'New Year's resolution'

2016 will be the year where I will conquer my fears, face my anxiety and learn to love myself.

I may be 6 months late in writing my new year’s resolution, but I think one can never be too late in setting themselves goals, no matter how big or small, because goals are the things that aspire us to progress and improve everyday, and it is never too late for improvements.

I feel extremely motivated today, because time has ticked and will still be ticking.

To put things in perspective:

A year ago I used to be confident. I organised a dinner, an exhibition, a charity week that raised 1200 pounds, and I stayed (sort of) on top of my schoolwork. I felt happy and satisfied because I felt purposeful.

Less than a year ago I got my confidence taken away from me. I was not surprised when I got rejected from both my uni choices because I was a direct applicant and in all honesty my portfolio sucked. The biggest blow however was when both CSM and Royal Drawing School rejected me from their foundation course. I was in shock because firstly because they were my last resort, and secondly because I thought I was ‘good’ enough.

10 months ago I started an Art Foundation course in Hastings, the only course that took me in after I went up to them in June.

9 months ago I rented my first flat and began living on my own, after 8 years of boarding school.

6 months ago I got into my dream course at Oxford, the same one I got rejected from the first time I applied.

Less than 6 months ago I fell into depression. Everyone else was running around, busy with their lives, whether at university, on a gap year or even on the foundation. I had nothing to do but sleep all day, occasionally turning up in school. (I ran away to Hong Kong and Thailand for almost a month during Easter.)

A few months ago I began embrace depression, and I accept that it was a phase I had to go through. After opening up to my friends, I received nothing but support. I did not feel purposeful, but I knew that I was going to be okay.

24 hours ago I completed my final major project for my foundation course. It has been a hell of a week, and a hell of a year, but I am finally done.

In 4 days I will be moving things out of my flat, packing and sending things to a storage depot.

In 6 days I will have my last attempt at passing my driving test in Eastbourne, and then I will be leaving this place forever.

In 9 days I will be starting a bartending course because I have always dreamed about being able to mix drinks – even as a kid, I used to make weird potions out of left over coffee and soya sauce at my family’s restaurant (thank god no one had to drink that).

In 13 days I will be attending the private view of my art foundation exhibition

In 15 days I will be going to Amsterdam with the coolest bunch of people

In 26 days I will be flying to Porto, Portugal.

In 27 days I will be flying to Lisbon, Portugal. Staying at my first hostel ever.

In a month, I will be flying to Natal, Brazil, where I will volunteer for 6 weeks.

In two months and 12 days I will be flying to Sao Paulo, then Buenos Aires, Argentina where I will be going backpacking with a friend.

In three months I will finally fly back home.

In three months and 22 days I will be starting university.

I am so excited and so grateful for this unexpected but eventful year. It has taught me that life is indeed a rollercoaster on loop, to appreciate the ups, one must also embrace the downs.

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